It all started this morning when I spent 3+ hours talking with various Verizon employees as to why my phone hates me. I guess I should have seen this coming. You see, my phone has been dropping subtle hints as to it's evil nature ever since I received it shortly after it's shipment into the Americas. This ladies and gentlemen, is what lead me to believe my phone was a terrorist.
One glaring example is that since it is a smart phone, occasionally you have to remove it's battery to perform what is called a "soft reset." I like to think of it as a nice power nap for my phone. Except there is one small problem, I had to get small sharp objects to shimmy the battery out of it's cozy little slot. After doing this in front of a Verizon employee he began screaming and violently waving his hands.
Evidently, my phone is the only phone he had seen that came without an easily removable battery, but that isn't the punchline. It's a lithium battery, which means me stabbing around it could result in an explosion...a big one.
Another piece of irrefutable evidence of my phones guilty terrorist-ness is that my T9 makes me appear to be a terrible person. So if I ever text you, and I try and ask, "what are you cooking?" Without fail my phone will use it's evil powers to change it to "what are you choking?" To which my poor taste in friends would probably reply with, A: "a puppy," or B: "your entire family and your dog." Which I presume my evil phone would reply to with a dark and sinister, "lawl."
So needless to say when my phone started acting even stranger today and wasn't allowing me to converse with other people, I saw it as a threat. I immediately ran to the nearest Verizon store, and begged them to help to which they replied, "Sir, your phone is the spawn of Satan."(not kidding)
Great. So it doesn't work, and it's the Anti-Christ? I feel so blessed to play this part in world history.
I called everyone I knew and warned them of the impending doom, but no one would believe me. Even Harold Camping mocked me, and that just isn't okay. I went to the police and they thought I was crazy. I went to the FBI, and they gave me a line to the President. Finally a break. Obama kindly told me the best way to solve this problem is to dump it off the side of a boat into international waters. That way all the other Motorola Droid's couldn't go to it's grave, and make it some sort of terroristic smart phone shrine. Genius, but there had to be a simpler way.
What did I do you ask? Well, the only thing a good-apple-pie-eating-red-blooded-american could do. I outsourced, and called the Verizon hotline in India.
My phone is fine now!
Yay for being anti-climactic!
...*awkward silence*...
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