Ladies, and Gentlemen. My Brother the Failure.

Okay, so I am pretty positive everyone I have ever met became a part of a giant bet riding on my ability to make bad decisions. Yeah, that's right. I'm on to you.

I see the way you watch me when I go into Hastings to see if I pick up one of those 'bad Christian' books; Or ask how I'm doing just to see if I reply, "Oh not too good. You see I'm in kind of a bad place right now. What with my vast amounts of crack cocaine and scantily clad women in my life it is really hard for me to focus."

Of course no one would actually do this in real life that would be far too obvious. 

So today, I'm going to give you a gift.

Ten Steps To Make Your Facebook Unlurkable

1) Best way to create an ambiguous page is to describe what you are thinking with incredibly vague lyrics. That way they have to not only google the song lyrics, but also attempt to see how the lyrics, "This place about to blow-ow-ow-ow-ow" apply to your life. Are you a terrorist? Is this some kind of crazy jihad remix? Who knows. You just became incredibly edgy.

2) Never reply 'attending' when invited to an event, only the iffy 'maybe attending'. Even if the event is the end of the world. Never admit where you are going to be, only insinuate that you may be interested...sort of.

3)Only upload webcam pictures of yourself making funny faces. This is a lurkers worst nightmare. You see a lurkers bread and butter is clicking 'enter' through every single one of your pictures since the beginning of time. If every picture you have is relatively the same you are practically driving his pasttime into the ground, unless he/she's a webcamifile. If that is the case expect a "Wanna Skype?!???" message very quickly.

4)Actually to build off of 3 do you have a baby? Or relatively cute animal? Make them your profile picture. Nuff said.

5)Speak in code to your friends. Only talk within the confines of incredibly obscure inside jokes. "You going to the Oogly moogly today?" Reply: "Bahahaha oh gurl u no I only go back to the smackity doo bop." Your lurker is literally reading a dictionary right now to try and understand you.

6) When you are 'liking' different pages throw in a curve ball every once in a while. For example, after you 'like' "Waking Up To Watch The Sunrise :)" also like "Lithuanian Goat Mating Corporation". You just blew someones mind.

7)Upload a video of you dancing...badly. Not just once mind you, but on a monthly basis. Nothing says desperate for attention like a bad dancer, and lurkers don't like desperate. They stick to the philosophy of, "You must not know 'bout me. You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow. So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable"
Lurkers loooove Beyonce.

8) Bad Grammar. Having no respect for the different "Their, They're, There"'s will break your lurkers heart. Stupid isn't cute. Or lurkable. Post something like, "i h8 traffik lites! there sooooo dumb!" My heart hurts after allowing myself to type that.

9)THE MOST COMMON TURN OFF IN INTERNET SPEAK IS THE CLASSIC CAPS LOCK. DOESN'T THIS MAKE YOU TENSE? CAN YOU HEAR ME YELLING AT YOU? BECAUSE I AM. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TYPE REBECCA BLACK LYRICS. WE SO EXCITED. FUN FUN FUN FUN!

10)Like other peoples status' at random. "Jim is out dancing tonight." *like*. Uh oh, now you are okay with Jim the sporadic dancer fulfilling his addiction. 1 hour later. "Jenny(Jim's wife) I wish my husband would come home :(" *like*. Whoa whoa whoa. Whose side are you on exactly? Later that week when the event "Jim's Intervention" comes up be sure and put 'maybe attending', and post the status; "JUST DANCE. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. DOO DOO DOO!"